Grieving for Those Who Are Alive

by Barry Howard

As a minister, I most frequently deal with grief among parishioners as a process that follows the death of a friend or loved one. When a friend or loved one dies, a bereavement process begins, a journey that allows the grieving one to proceed through a variety of stages of grief.

Many years ago, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross gave us the five stages of grief:  Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance.  When I took a course in Death and Dying at the university I was taught that different individuals pass through the stages at different speeds and perhaps even in different orders.

But I was also taught that grief is not limited to the experience of loss through death. Grief could occur over the loss of a limb, the loss of a job, the loss of income, or the loss of one’s freedom.

Since my first visit to the funeral home at the age of six I have been aware of the kind of grief that accompanies death. Only in recent years have I come to understand the grief one can experience for those who are still alive.  Three family sagas have given me a new appreciation for how we grieve for the living.

First, in 2004, my father was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer.  Although he responded to early treatment, a heart condition caused the suspension of therapy, and during the ensuing months I grieved for his loss of weight, his loss of independence, his loss of mobility, his loss of modesty, and ultimately his loss of breath.  By the time he died, barely recognizable to his friends, I seemed to have made multiple stops at every one of the five stages. In actuality, I grieved more during his deterioration from cancer than I did after his death.

The second saga began almost one year after my father’s funeral when my wife’s mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.  For my wife and me, the same grief cycle began all over again.  Although there were many good days and fun visits with my mother-in-law who demonstrated extraordinary hope and perseverance, we grieved over her loss of hair, her loss of dexterity and balance due to neuropathy, her loss of ability to hold her grandchildren, her loss of appetite, her loss of youthfulness, her loss of vitality, and her loss of ability to serve in her many volunteer positions. When she died this past November, three years after her diagnosis, we believe death came as a blessing, an act of deliverance from the terrorism this disease can inflict upon a body.

Finally, just over a year ago, my grandmother was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s.  And our family began to experience grief over a different kind of loss.  This severe form of dementia expresses itself in a variety of ways.  Although many of the symptoms seem to come and go, and some days are better than others, during the past year we have grieved over her loss of memory, the loss of her familiar personality, the loss of her awareness of her surroundings, the loss of her freedom, the loss of her driving, the loss of her home, and because she has been relocated to a care facility, the loss of her church, the loss of her community, and the loss of her network of friends.

I am still thinking about how grieving for the living differs from grieving for the deceased.  As a pastor I am more aware of how many in my congregation grieve over loss related to those who are alive…the grandmother who is grieving over the grandson who is in prison, the father-in-law who is grieving over the loss of his daughter-in-law because of the divorce, the former manager who is grieving over the loss of his colleagues after his job was terminated, and the school teacher who is grieving over the loss of contact with students following her retirement.

In reflecting on my own experience, I would contend that grieving for the living can be more complex, more long-term, and more exhausting in many circumstances than the grief associated with a death. 

When grieving for those who are still alive, here are a few suggestions that friends and counselors offered to me:

• Try to practice good self-care.
• Remain connected with your faith community.
• Strive to maintain a good regimen of exercise, nutritious diet, and rest.
• Maximize your time with your loved one.
• Maintain at least one hobby, project, or activity that is replenishing for you.
• Allow and encourage friends and family members to grieve at their own pace in their own space.
• Ask God to renew your strength.

Grief lasts for a season.  But remember, each season is unique in scope and duration.

(Dr. Barry Howard serves as the senior minister of the First Baptist Church in Pensacola, Florida.)